The dream to get into Gryffindor had infiltrated my mind. I wanted to be with Ron, Hermione and Harry. My 7 years at Hogwarts went by trying to manipulate, please, plead, beg, threaten the Sorting Hat to take my word seriously - “I belong in Gryffindor”. I took recommendations from fellow Gryffindors, dressed myself in red and gold and did not even complain about the shade of red not being deep enough to be called ‘Crimson'. I chanted positive affirmations to the Fat Lady hoping one of my charms would work on her. If only I could get into the common room, I would witness the friendship, adventure and recklessness of the Gryffindors. I spoke to Godric Gryffindor secretly at night hoping that in the morning I would be transported into the Gryffindor's girl’s room and walk out with Hermione correcting me “it's leviosa not leviosar!”
Knowingly or unknowingly, Dumbledore was too busy collecting horcruxes with Harry. Hagrid was busy empathizing with exotic creatures when he was not busy chilling with his three besties. Professor Snape was not approachable. His straight face made me question my existence and besides he was on the quest of finding troubles that did not exist. Professor Sprout was the only one who looked at me unaffected by the fact that I belonged to Hufflepuff. I was successful at pulling out the Mandrake in my first attempt and it was the only time I felt my presence acknowledged. I guess I liked reliving that experience every time I entered her class. Sometimes I wish I could transfigure like Professor McGonagall. I question her choice of animal. She existed everywhere unlike a true cat. Besides, the process of animagus was too complex and I had an agenda to accomplish. I wonder which animal would I have chosen!
However, I mustered the strength to drink the polyjuice potion one night. I was there in the second floor girl’s bathroom when the three of them were drinking it to transform into Slytherins. It made me wonder and have an epiphany that no one is happy in their own shoes. It gave me a chance to experience being in theirs to find out what it was like. But before that let me tell you a little bit about the polyjuice potion. They say it's equivalent to drinking your piss. I say it's like drinking kale juice mixed with celery. Not only drinking it is considered a brave act, keeping it in your system and tolerating it hours later is another act of bravery in itself. But I was riding high on adrenaline, ready to live the day I was waiting for. I was getting high fives and wassups. Stink eyes from Slytherins. The clouds disappeared from the common hall. There was sunshine and laughter. I headed for the common room but the Fat Lady seemed to be engaged in singing and could not hear me. Besides, I missed out on the obvious to-do on my checklist - getting the damn password. Being a Gryffindor gave me the right to wander in the corridors. I took advantage of it. I felt the flutters in my stomach disappear as I explored the after hours. Nearly Headless Nick floating around as usual. He justified being reckless as a birth right or rather death right. But of course, Filch's cat would get to me before I could get into trouble and put an end to this adventure.
The 7th year ended and my dream to be a Gryffindor remained an unfulfilled reality. I made peace with it. I regret not seeing my fellow Hufflepuffs as equals. I don't even know their names. I saw them as mere colors, blobs of yellow and black, walking around as fillers. I treated them just like I was being treated by others - ‘Invisible’. I ended up being the one who did not need the invisibility cloak to get to the restricted section of the library because Filch would not even be expecting me to be up so late.
Before leaving, I followed my intuition to visit the room of mirrors. I went in with the expectation to see my dream of being placed in Gryffindor come true but this is what the mirror showed me - I was a first year student entering the Great Hall who was afraid of the next moment. The Sorting Hat evaluated me in front of all my fellow students. I'm confident and at ease unaffected by the outcome. Sitting across the mirror I hear Dumbledore whisper “it shows the deepest, most desperate desire of our hearts”. This was the most valuable lesson I learnt on my last day at Hogwarts - The power of being in the moment and entering the next without any expectation. I catastrophized my situation and let it paint my world black and white only (in this case crimson and gold). I could not see the celebration of true belonging, instead I was just trying to fit in. I was the one floating around like the ghosts at Hogwarts, colorless, letting time pass me by.
I bid Ron, Hermione and Harry goodbye from afar and just as I was getting into the Hogwarts Express the sword presented itself to me and I could hear Dumbledore's wise words “it would take a true Gryffindor to pull that out of the hat”.
Will she pull the sword out?
- A qualified wizard
留言